that’s not to say that nothing has happened, but i have to admit at the end of everyday i feel like there should be a place where i spill my mind and arrange my thoughts in a way so that i can sort through them methodically – but i always am either overwhelmed by fatigue (pulling the long days at work immediately after returning from a 4 month vacation-like jaunt in hk has been…rough), insecurity (i have a tendency to waver to the notion that well, my thoughts aren’t really that important…not really that interesting…and by the way who do i write for? myself or others?)..or just sheer laziness.

regardless, i just finished an engagement at work the other day meaning that the rest of the week will be a bit more free (i got immediately booked on something else for next week)..so i’ll try to enjoy to the fullest all the down-time that i can muster!

so returning home from exchange, another journey in itself although the physical trip only took 14 hours…i’d say i’m still very much a WIP – (work-in-process to anyone who isn’t an accounting nerd). strangely enough i never imagined that coming back home would pose the different challenges and circumstances which arose.

for one, i came back home from phuket a moderate shade of chocolate brown. an EPIC trip to phi-phi island left a very distinct sunburn all over….i was peeling for almost two weeks after. brutal. but i’d do it all over again and in a flash. phi-phi was one of the destinations hit by the tsunami and it was interesting that when i went there was barely any trace or remembrance of the disaster. only when i was informed by my dad that we had arrived spot-on the anniversary date did the tragedy of 5 years back resonate in my mind as i traipsed through the streets with julia. it seems like the land has chosen to forget – have the people really healed? can one truly heal from seeing their whole lives, loved ones, city swept up in the grips of a series of rogue and unprecedented attacks from the sea?

the wounds of the past peeled away like some old sunburn.

another thing was and still remains that having been so deliberately uprooted from normality in vancouver, being unceremoniously plunked back home after a life-changing four months away in southeast asia proved to be a more challenging than expected experience. firstly, so many circumstances whether direct or indirect with friends have changed. the structure to some relationships and groups that i once so happily and unwittingly retained a membership to have been unretrievably altered. delicate boundaries have been broken and redrawn with force.

i’m not sure where i fit in all of this.

vancouver, you see, move on without me. and did so happily.

not that i can/should mind because i feel as if i did – and very much so at the same time.

whenever i am presented with the opportunity to travel, i’m relentlessly struck by the fact that the world is so enormous, the communities and cultures so varied and distinct – yet how strikingly similar we as people are when we are all boiled down.

i saw humanity boiled down in:

• the helpless vulnerability of a middle-aged HKU facilities worker when struck while rushing across the street just in that shift from yellow to red light and the wary culprit taxi driver – two lives which had never connected before that moment forever intersected by a literal collision – and then the overwhelming indifference of the passerby pedestrians and onlookers, more interested in the circumstance and the facts of the accident than the actual victim’s state. so much was said and exchanged in that silence as people paused, and then continued to walk away.
• the horrific exhibits at the war remnants museum in ho chi minh city, ironically overrun by american tourists while showcasing the predominantly silenced tragedies and lingering scars of the vietnamese people. from the tales of american brutality and chemical warfare to the unexpectedly hopeful legacies of war survivors who – although forever tainted by the ugly effects of agent orange and violence, have learned to carry on and even forgive.
• …tbc (i’m at work gots a meeting)

patong was dreadful. truly a shame. a sleazy and blindingly neon mishmash of trash. walking down the main tourist hotspot in patong (kind of like khao San road in bangkok where all the backpackers flock) I warily and adamantly resisted the degrading stares and catcalls of the stupified drunks and partiers forming the lining and filling of the streets. literally every other ‘female’ on the street was either a white tourist or a gender-ambiguous street walker strutting around in a few scraps of fabric and sky-high heels. the booming bad music mixed with the incredibly foul smell of sewage cemented my distaste for patong…it was interesting that despite all the glitz and flashiness of the place…nothing could be done to mask the sheer stench of the streets..raw sewage…yum.

never combine a bunch of euros, boxes of wine and jenn wu after an exam because the next morning is bound to be a BOMBtastic morning featuring a spectacularly awful headache (i think i woke up still a bit tipsy…classssssssy jenn wu) and 2 hours of trying to sober oneself up.

epic fails never found a fitting legacy than my life.

i’d tell you about how my aunt shirley from LA (also one of my fave relatives) came for the month….went shopping one-too-many times with her…saw more of my mom’s side of the family…i think both sides need that extra buffer of familiarity (mom being here or shirley) to reign in my foreign-ness whenever i visit – otherwise we’re all faced with awkward lapses of silence and inevitably being my mother’s daughter…the unspoken apologies and resentments from ages past.  maybe all the lavish displays of hearty dishes  and endless conversations about wealth, acquiring more wealth and what to do with wealth  - fail to truly vanquish or tame the skeletons that have followed us to this point…sometimes i get annoyed at how hesitant to outright expression the chinese culture seems to be.  the words that leave your mouth don’t really seem to be your own..filtered first through a convoluted net of other peoples expectations and perceptions before making their way to light – at which point the meaning, force and fire which once drove the emotions forth are reduced to barely a spark. blaaaaaahhhhhhh

i’d also tell you about how school manages to block out a lot of my time…particularly being a month laden with final projects, essays, presentations and final exams – i’ve spent a good amount of time in the medical library near my hall. days blend together when i submerge into study mode…social contact is at a minute…except (of course) for my daily conversations with my best friend and of course random nights out with the other exchange kids and vince…but otherwise DANG i feel like a turtle. another blaaaaaaahhhhhh

last night we went to 3am dimsum in this nook and cranny hole-in-the-wall restaraunt nestled in sai wan….the hours of operation for the joint are a quirky 3-12pm and a mixed demographic of inebriated partiers traipsing in after a rough night (again) at lan kwai fong to the insomnia-stricken elderly residents nearby who meet once the doors open at their usual table to people-watch – putting up a good race to the self-service dimsum table situated to one side of the establishment.  where else but hong kong can i find a place bustling with activity at 3 in the morning….coming off a stupor induced by my studies…there’s nothing better to infuse a refreshing jolt of life into your veins than the occasional comfort of company and oh the food was good too!

i should be studying….feel like this post is incomplete…

shall make a meaty update……..tmr

(classic procrastinater)

the unusual and unexpected chill which has suddenly taken hong kong in its grip may have some part to blame….mind you it’s around 10 degrees outside but for some reason it is FUREAKING cold as in i can barely feel my fingers as i type and i’m wearing about 4 layers but still shivering – what the HECK??! i’m from CANADA..this ain’t supposed to be something new..but i guess without my inventory of warm, fleecey clothing that i left back home…it just ain’t the same hence the current status of freezing-arss-off.

anyways, for some reason my mind has been going on a series of introspective trips lately.  i’m finding myself questioning exactly who i am allowing myself to become, digesting some of the experiences that i’ve had more recently and altogether i’m finding it more and more uncomfortable living the way that i do…day in and day out.

i think moreso than anything after visiting the orphanage in cambodia and being exposed to vietnam and allowing myself to get lost in these foreign landscapes…i’ve been struck – as if by a train – by a numbing sense of:

uselessness.

i feel as if my life, currently and considering how i live it – is of virtually zero value to anyone else but myself.

a bit harsh…and i’m not trying to beg for reassurance, sympathy or anything of that sort.  it’s a sobering realization and perhaps it’s steeped in exaggeration and maybe i’m just being melodramatic. but the feeling is there and it really does haunt me.  i feel an itch..maybe the flickering of a restless flame which seems to beg to be released…i sound like a cheeseball but bear with me.  i really want to do more for this world.  for the people that have allowed their lives to align and enrich my own with their warmth, passion for life and love.  i want to demonstrate selflessness and somehow allow the training, education and experience that i’ve gathered and will gather in this life time stimulate some change in my community – for there to be some value-added to others beyond the typical pursuit of financial stability and success that i seem to have aligned my feet towards.

i have this indelible thirst to jump out into the world and do something. make a difference. fulfill my promise to the kids i met in cambodia of coming back….helping them along – somehow…how do i begin? where can i even start?

i remember approaching the orphanage in siem reap feeling a bit sheepish…it was pouring rain and i had convinced my travel-mates to tag along on this random pursuit that had suddenly sprung up – i wanted to visit a local cambodian orphanage and bring some treats for the kids…everyone was kind enough to agree and we had spent a good hour at the market trying to get the most and best quality fruits, bread, soccer balls, soap and rice that we could muster..but it was our last day in cambodia and there was a slew of other things that we could’ve been doing.  add to the mix the fact that a torrential downpour decided to coincide with our journey to the orphanage which of course was not accessible by normal roads….in fact, the road to the place was recently destroyed by flooding so all that was there was a muddy mess…our tuktuk got stuck on the way there and i remember a sinking feeling sitting on my chest as i trudged through the foot-deep dredge of clay-like mud on feet towards the orphanage wondering what i had gotten myself and everyone else into….:(

however, once we arrived at the place there was no doubt in my mind that it was probably one of the best ideas that we had had as a group throughout the entire ten day trip.  the kids were unrelentingly warm and excited to see us.  i remember perry, jax and the other girls offering to wash our muddy feet right when we arrived..i politely opted to run my feet under a hose instead…and within minutes i was taken by both hands (a little chain of girls on both sides) to their own rooms. about 4 girls live in a room that is a tiny bit bigger than the ‘closet’ of a room i have back home and the divides between their own territory are marked by the ending of their sleeping quilt.  each girl might have their own entourage of stuffed animals, toys, miscellaneous treasures all kept in their own space.

it took so much to hold it together as i was brought to each little girl’s space and they would show me certain paintings or keepsakes dear to them.  perry had a little book of sketchings she kept adding to and after seeing how her eyes lit up with spark as i praised her work and slowly flipped my way through her work…savouring each page and detail…my heart continually broke and broke into more and more pieces….one for each of the kids that i met and that allowed me into their lives for a brief moment in time.

how can people who have so little be so generous with their hearts?

what is it like to grow up without parents to encourage/praise your achievements and accomplishments as a child?

the orphanage was a new start-up and beyond receiving a small plot of land to build and house the kids…the owner lamented that government support had dried up – due to the corrupted nature of cambodian politics – and the financing situation of the place was unstable as they lacked the regular and consistent donors to sustain the place properly – therefore they scrounged on a month-to-month basis to meet the needs of the kids…so far they were making it but the instability showed in the weariness surrounding her eyes as she told her story.

these kids have so much passion and vigor for life.  their eyes dance with a love and appreciation for the world that i rarely see.  it was overwhelming to later sit and imagine the incredible things that these kids could do given the adequate support, education and resources to achieve their dreams.  boundless.

i can’t sleep sometimes thinking about them….i wonder if perry has kept up with drawing and i wonder if they kept the bracelets we gave them…i wonder if how and when i’ll be able to see them again and i wonder at how i can even begin to help them.

the itch is there and it’s uncurable methinks.  i will go back.  this is a promise i will keep .

returning to vancouver….part of me feels like i want to shed this old skin.  there is something inherently rotten about the way that i typically allow myself to think and conduct my life…something forever steeped in selfishness and emptiness.

how do i start? am i going nuts? whaaat the. blah.

alright … moving along!

the trip to cambodia featured a 13+ hour bus-ride from ho chi minh city – due to our newbness in planning our trip..we had conceived that it wasn’t possible to take a bus from hanoi to siem reap (it actually was) so we bought plane tickets cheap from jetstar to ho chi minh city and from there we crossed our fingers that we would be able to get a bus out to cambodia.  thankfully, it proved to be quite easy to do so…there were numerous travel agencies just outside of our hostel in ho chi minh and we eventually just bought tickets off our hostel owner who coordinated the whole shindig for us (and thankfully did a pretty good job).

so the bus was set to depart at 830 and as a result…we set our alarms at 7 – set on getting up, having time to get ready, eat breakfast etc…BUT for some reason we all slept through our alarms…ended up getting up around 815 to the sounds of our worried hostel owner banging on our room door…BOOKED it like no other to the bus and feeling groggy/gross/nasty/tired/blah we set off for cambodia.

ended up crossing the border about 3 hours in and going through the cambodia border crossing was a lot less painful than the vietnam customs because our bus drivers just filled out all our forms super quick and processed the paperwork…it was PRETTY sweet.

first thing we did after crossing the border was eat at a sketchy joint a couple minutes past the border crossing.  during travelling – it’s an interesting process to submit yourself to trusting in the good intentions of complete strangers – like our tourbus guides.  we had to switch buses a couple times during the trip…when we finally made it to phnomh penh (which i really wished that we had had time to see because i’m reeally wanted to see the remnants of the pol pot regime but time was not on our side) we had to switch to another tour bus that was half-full that would bring us the rest of the way to siem reap.

cambodia is marvelous, the place has an inexplicable charm and magic to the land.  something that simultaneously allures you…yet beckons you to approach with caution – the land is tainted with a terrible past yet the beauty in the cambodian people is everywhere to be seen.

anyways when we finally arrived in siem reap – mind you in a half-awake stupor…i was drifting in a current of sleep/being awake throughout the whole trip there…night had already fallen and to our surprise…vincent OF COURSE was a superstar and had secretly made plans with our hostel (the siem reap hostel) to send a taxi to the bus station and sure enough a taxi-driver waved us down upon our arrival and we were greeted with a cooler of angkor beer as we made our way to our resting place.

the siem reap hostel was definitely by far my favorite hostel for many reasons: 1) the owners made a concerted effort to ensure that the hostel was truly cambodian in that the construction company contracted was a local firm, the materials were all from the native land and lastly the vast majority of the staff were locals. 2) there was an indoor pool (which we didn’t end up using but meh schmeh still cool to see) 3) it was clean and the room was large compared to our hostel in ho chi minh 4) i’m biased because i was so enchanted by cambodia in general

that first evening we befriended a girl travelling by herself from Britain who had arrived the night before…and headed to pub street – a mecca of tourists and travellers which seems to fuel the economy of the city for the most part -just a brief 10 minute walk away.  i had my first and farrrr from last taste of cambodian amok that first night…along with fresh spring rolls – absolutely heavenly.

the next morning we met our tuktuk driver saron…he had a colorful yet tragic past…we would soon find out.  nevertheless we headed straight to the temples on our tuktuk (a cart that can seat about 4 people…in cambodia and thailand pulled by a motorcycle).

incredible.

i’ll let the pictures do the talking because for the most part what we did at the temples was pay homage to the illustrious ruins that we were able to see.  we avoided angkor wat the first day because we decided to come back early the next morning to watch the sunset but even visiting the other smaller temples and the temple where tomb raider was filmed….i was in awe.  these ruins were firstly enormous..entire cities reduced to the city walls which remain in some cases remarkably in tact…you can’t help but marvel at the spectacular detailed carvings which line the walls through and through. it was alike nothing i’ve ever seen before and i developed a deep respect for the cambodian culture having the opportunity to walk through, to see and touch the past and imagine how grand the ruins must have been hundreds of years ago.

tbcontinued….

please write your cambodia post because the details are beginning to slip your mind…you lazy slug.

MACAU tmr =)

love, your conscience

nevertheless, it is a relief to be absent.  a patient to the numbing effect.  treat this like an opportune fracture in time that allows one to step out of the eye of the storm for a moment and observe the collision of currents we have allowed to carry us up to this point.