i’m having one of those moments, one of those nights where i feel incredibly restless, slightly annoyed and altogether just uncomfortable.
the unusual and unexpected chill which has suddenly taken hong kong in its grip may have some part to blame….mind you it’s around 10 degrees outside but for some reason it is FUREAKING cold as in i can barely feel my fingers as i type and i’m wearing about 4 layers but still shivering – what the HECK??! i’m from CANADA..this ain’t supposed to be something new..but i guess without my inventory of warm, fleecey clothing that i left back home…it just ain’t the same hence the current status of freezing-arss-off.
anyways, for some reason my mind has been going on a series of introspective trips lately. i’m finding myself questioning exactly who i am allowing myself to become, digesting some of the experiences that i’ve had more recently and altogether i’m finding it more and more uncomfortable living the way that i do…day in and day out.
i think moreso than anything after visiting the orphanage in cambodia and being exposed to vietnam and allowing myself to get lost in these foreign landscapes…i’ve been struck – as if by a train – by a numbing sense of:
uselessness.
i feel as if my life, currently and considering how i live it – is of virtually zero value to anyone else but myself.
a bit harsh…and i’m not trying to beg for reassurance, sympathy or anything of that sort. it’s a sobering realization and perhaps it’s steeped in exaggeration and maybe i’m just being melodramatic. but the feeling is there and it really does haunt me. i feel an itch..maybe the flickering of a restless flame which seems to beg to be released…i sound like a cheeseball but bear with me. i really want to do more for this world. for the people that have allowed their lives to align and enrich my own with their warmth, passion for life and love. i want to demonstrate selflessness and somehow allow the training, education and experience that i’ve gathered and will gather in this life time stimulate some change in my community – for there to be some value-added to others beyond the typical pursuit of financial stability and success that i seem to have aligned my feet towards.
i have this indelible thirst to jump out into the world and do something. make a difference. fulfill my promise to the kids i met in cambodia of coming back….helping them along – somehow…how do i begin? where can i even start?
i remember approaching the orphanage in siem reap feeling a bit sheepish…it was pouring rain and i had convinced my travel-mates to tag along on this random pursuit that had suddenly sprung up – i wanted to visit a local cambodian orphanage and bring some treats for the kids…everyone was kind enough to agree and we had spent a good hour at the market trying to get the most and best quality fruits, bread, soccer balls, soap and rice that we could muster..but it was our last day in cambodia and there was a slew of other things that we could’ve been doing. add to the mix the fact that a torrential downpour decided to coincide with our journey to the orphanage which of course was not accessible by normal roads….in fact, the road to the place was recently destroyed by flooding so all that was there was a muddy mess…our tuktuk got stuck on the way there and i remember a sinking feeling sitting on my chest as i trudged through the foot-deep dredge of clay-like mud on feet towards the orphanage wondering what i had gotten myself and everyone else into….:(
however, once we arrived at the place there was no doubt in my mind that it was probably one of the best ideas that we had had as a group throughout the entire ten day trip. the kids were unrelentingly warm and excited to see us. i remember perry, jax and the other girls offering to wash our muddy feet right when we arrived..i politely opted to run my feet under a hose instead…and within minutes i was taken by both hands (a little chain of girls on both sides) to their own rooms. about 4 girls live in a room that is a tiny bit bigger than the ‘closet’ of a room i have back home and the divides between their own territory are marked by the ending of their sleeping quilt. each girl might have their own entourage of stuffed animals, toys, miscellaneous treasures all kept in their own space.
it took so much to hold it together as i was brought to each little girl’s space and they would show me certain paintings or keepsakes dear to them. perry had a little book of sketchings she kept adding to and after seeing how her eyes lit up with spark as i praised her work and slowly flipped my way through her work…savouring each page and detail…my heart continually broke and broke into more and more pieces….one for each of the kids that i met and that allowed me into their lives for a brief moment in time.
how can people who have so little be so generous with their hearts?
what is it like to grow up without parents to encourage/praise your achievements and accomplishments as a child?
the orphanage was a new start-up and beyond receiving a small plot of land to build and house the kids…the owner lamented that government support had dried up – due to the corrupted nature of cambodian politics – and the financing situation of the place was unstable as they lacked the regular and consistent donors to sustain the place properly – therefore they scrounged on a month-to-month basis to meet the needs of the kids…so far they were making it but the instability showed in the weariness surrounding her eyes as she told her story.
these kids have so much passion and vigor for life. their eyes dance with a love and appreciation for the world that i rarely see. it was overwhelming to later sit and imagine the incredible things that these kids could do given the adequate support, education and resources to achieve their dreams. boundless.
i can’t sleep sometimes thinking about them….i wonder if perry has kept up with drawing and i wonder if they kept the bracelets we gave them…i wonder if how and when i’ll be able to see them again and i wonder at how i can even begin to help them.
the itch is there and it’s uncurable methinks. i will go back. this is a promise i will keep 
.
returning to vancouver….part of me feels like i want to shed this old skin. there is something inherently rotten about the way that i typically allow myself to think and conduct my life…something forever steeped in selfishness and emptiness.
how do i start? am i going nuts? whaaat the. blah.
